Shirley Harring

writer, farmer advocate, madwoman

DIY Breast Implants

July 31, 2013
38 comments

Excuse me, could you say that again?

Oh – you think so?

I am the one buying the clothes, therefore I am the one that gets to decide if this looks acceptable or not.

I am NOT the one who sews, stocks or surmises that dresses for women should only have enough fabric in the bust-line to look attractive on the hanger or in the display window, rather than actually cover the breast tissue area. The area where my gazoongas are so publicly displayed in this dress, out there for the world to see.

Never, ever go all Susannah and Trinny and tell a big breasted woman the new dress she is buying would look better ‘with decent underwear on, especially a decent bra’.

Because, honey, looking at you, let me tell you-

YOU. HAVE. NO. IDEA.

I want you to go down to the toy section and find a balloon.

Off you go.

Now, I want you to take the balloon into the staff room and inflate it with water. Not air – you have enough hot air of your own, you are venturing into my world now. G’head, inflate with water, to roughly the size of  a small soccer ball.

Soccer ball?

Now – for any of you that think this exaggerated – try this. (If you have gazoongas, use your own. If not, phone a friend and use hers. Once she knows why you are doing this she’ll happily comply.)  Right – gazoongas at the ready? Good-oh. Now, place one hand at the base of one gazoonga, where the underwire sits. Now place the other hand at the top of the gazoonga. The real top, where the breast tissue finally eases away into your shoulder or upper chest.  Now, keeping your hands steady – steady… move them away from your body and take careful note of the huge airspace between. See? soccer ball. Do the same exercise in width – gazoonga equals pi squared.  And look – much bigger than the fabric decorating the bust line of the summer dress I am trying on.

However… back to the balloon we go. Take careful note of the balloon. Feel the weight. Note how it is not steady, it rolls around under your hands, slips to one side or the other. It moves, doesn’t it?  Like a living object?  Place it on the table. See how it goes flat on the bottom?  And the top? And sort of squished out at the sides?

It is NOT perky. It is NOT jaunty.  It’s not even properly round for gawd’s sake, is it?

Now let’s pretend for a minute – bear with me here – the tied up-end is a nipple.

I want you to put that balloon on the table and try and make the nipple align to the ‘correct’ place for one of these pretty little dresses – front and centre, pointing directly ahead. Whaddyamean it won’t stay there by itself? No shit.  It wants to point downwards, doesn’t it?

Now, let’s nip over to lingerie and find a bra. A real one, not one of those one-g-string-joined-to-another and disguised as an object smaller than an ear canal – one with at least 4 hooks at the back, under-wire,  shoulder straps the width of a fire hose and constructed of fine mesh, concrete reinforcing, girdle material and bungee cord. Oh yeah, sex on a hanger for sure. What do you mean it looks like a torture device?  Try wearing it!  Now take your balloon, and carefully manipulate it into the cup of the brassiere. (I don’t know why they call it a cup either, it’s more reminiscent of  a salad bowl). Now put it on.

Now most big breasted  women cheat. They turn the bra upside down and inside out and do the hooks up first, then spin it around their torso,  pull it up over the gazoogas and slide one then the other arm through the straps, then manipulate and arrange the front  as required. The only time they don’t do this is when they are trying on new bras and want to appear knowledgeable and sophisticated in front of the salesperson, and struggle to do it the ‘right’ way which is front first and then do the hooks up in the back. Which would be a piece of cheese if you were an octopus and had eyes in the back of your head and 15 fingers on each hand and could manage to manipulate four hooks in the back and support the weight of those  puppies in the salad bowls at the same time without breaking into a sweat and testing the limits of the 24 hour anti-perspirant that you KNOW you should not use because of the aluminium content and the link to breast cancer and all but you’ve done a full workout by the time you manage to get into your underwear and Jesu….

Sorry, I became sidetracked there.

Now remember – the nipple has to point politically correctly outwards. You need to keep the balloon tissue IN the salad bowl, not let it spread under the arms or under the underwire. Yes, I know it moves around, you have to manipulate it yourself. You have to hold your breast and lift your breast and arrange your breast and align your breast and then start again with the next one.

Using your hand, yes. Inside your clothes, yes.

Now the nipple has to align perfectly on the convenient seam there – the one they sew right across the nipple line in oh so natural breathe-able triple strength  itchy-as-shit  nylon thread. Just so you can have  inflamed milk ducts for the rest of your life. Even though you stopped breast feeding 14 years ago.

Finally, stand up straight – yes, those puppies are heavy – and look at yourself in the mirror.  Do your balloon breasts point skywards?   Do they impede over the side of your body? Jump up and down – go on. Never mind the sloshing. Do those balloons jiggle prettily? They what? Throw you off balance?  Now you know why gazzoonga endowed woman do not jog, they lurch. Or lunch.  And drink wine.

Now, lie on your back and look in the mirror.  Can you see what’s happening to your balloons? Take note of where the water has gone. And where the nipple is. Or was. Or isn’t. And that’s with a bra ON. Let me tell you, if they were real breasts you would  never lie on your back during sex again – at least not unless there was a power outage or you were married to Stevie Wonder.

Now, stand up and try on one of these slinky black numbers. No? You are exhausted? You can’t breathe and your boobs hurt? Your nipple is itchy and your back aches?  You are hot?

No freaking shit.

So, sunshine, don’t tell me this dress would look fabulous if I had ‘decent underwear on’. It looks fucking fabulous because  I am fucking fabulous, my gazoongas are fucking fabulous and because your shoulder blades are on the wrong side of your body, you will never get a cleavage like this in your whole goddamn life no matter how many chicken fillets you buy.

Don’t bother wrapping it – I’ll wear it home.

38 Comments

  1. Oh I forgot to say…. I agree with the others, send a copy into the shop, they’ll love it!

  2. He he he!
    Jayne sent me over to read this post – I was writing about the same subject myself this week.

    Someone should come up with a a ‘top heavy’ clothing label!

    G
    xx

  3. Oh I am SO with you on this one Girlfriend!!

    Well said!!!! Now… if only we knew she was going to read this.

    xoxoxo

  4. this is hysterical. me and my gazooongas relate.

  5. thats exactly what I was going to say, like Givinya said,
    I would SO print this, sign it very elegantly, and take it back to that store.

    DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, !!

    Brilliant post, Le sent me :)

  6. too too funny!! Thanks to Third on the Right who directed me here!! All clothes designers should be made to read this as part of their training!

  7. One of these days, I am going to strangle a man, who designed an effing bra!! As to the effing style ‘gurus’… I might strangle some of those people with other failures of bras!

  8. That is so very very true… and then there is the day that you do walk into the bra shop (lingerie and gazoongas just do not go hand in hand!), and the stick thin, waif like, flat chested 18yo turns and looks and says “wow, you do have big boobs!” If only bitch slapping in public were legal!

  9. OMG finally.. someone has told it like it is. I have never done that upside down and turn it around thing. I always bend over, sit the girls in nice and tight and then stand up and hook. I’ve been doing it wrong ALL these years??

    I think this is your best post ever.

  10. Bwahahahahaha! I sooo hope you have printed this out and left copies of it in the dress shop. Gorgeous!

  11. Too funny, I have not bought a dress if ages that has shoelace straps. I would be totally annoyed at the sales lady and would of probably walked out, that’s if I did not fall in love with the dress first. Would love to see your new sexy black dress.

  12. I hear you too…………………………blimey!!!!!

    hugs

  13. Spot on Rhubarb! I dare ya to print it out and send it to them (anonymously of course)

    May I suggest a boutique called City Chic/City Connections. MAde for women with curves and gazoongas. My new fave. Also Autograph, and BIB in Myer.

    I am LMAO. with my nipples pointing to the floor. While in the same boat.

  14. Hilarious!!! As a big busted girl I hear you. It really annoys me that clothes these days seem to be made for flat chested teens. And I absolutely hate bra shopping. Aren’t big breasts meant to be sexy? If so, then why can you only buy nana style bras when you’re bigger than a D cup?

  15. Oh, yeah!
    Been there, done that, had the over-sized, comfy t-shirt to prove it 😛

  16. I reckon they’d LOVE this and take it in good humour – what else can you do but laugh! You are a very clever lady indeed and totally crack me up! Thanks for the chuckle x

  17. Best laugh I’ve had all day, but unfortunately also so true. I thought they were big before, but now they are huge. Since falling pregnant I have had to say good-bye to strapless bras, anything where lace touches my skin directly and anything that doesn’t have a full cup (or salad bowl!). Not exactly sexy…

  18. ok this is the most fab peiece of writing I have read in a LLLOOOOOONG while – you are the queen, no the big boobie queen and we in boob world, the real boob world with no silicon hills in sight salute you – go forth and conquer – le xox

  19. I don’t jog. I don’t jump. I refuse to run up stairs.
    My E-cups (plus) are freaking ceramic fruit bowl size, and they are my excuse for pretty much everything. The reduction sounds nice. But THEN what excuse would I use?
    Fabulously written (of course) Rhu.
    :-)
    BB

  20. Oh print it out and take it in! Slap it on the counter and storm on out!

  21. I’ve got a B cup, and I’ve got a C cup. I would like to know what the darling would have suggested to me.

  22. I was an a cup when I was 18, now I’m 44 and leaning past c into d terrortory. The bras have changed in style accordingly. They just don’t make really pretty ones in a d, certainly not affordable ones with matching panties, unless you want white cotton. Which is fine, but I’d like an option.
    My disrespectful philistines..I mean…boy-children…call my bras “over the shoulder boulder holsters” and occasionally wear them on their heads. I can only imagine what they’d do with an e-cup.

  23. Oh I am so glad I don’t have big gazoongas, but I’m so glad you’re here to make me giggle :)

  24. I totally get this. Lovely, modest looking wrap dress on the hanger/mannequin… won’t cover the chest when I get it on and I either have to safety pin it or wear it while stressing that one or both boobs will fall out and that everyone is staring at them, not me.

  25. I tried to do martial arts with big boobs……the teacher was perplexed that I couldn’t get my elbow close into my body…….too much fat in the way.

    Big boob women unite! And what is it with AA sized girls being bra fitters. They have no idea. A tissue would be fine for them!

  26. Having “Big Girls” myself I agree with everything you say and also think you should make sure Little Miss Smarty Flat Boobs receives a copy…..HOWEVER – I’m bursting out of my bra waiting in anticipation for Part II of “A Break in the Machinery”…

  27. I’m a 16DD and thankfully have no desire to wear a dress so that problem is not one I have to face.

    Swimwear on the other hand ::shudder::

    I’ve been wearing a one piece because it gave better support, but got incredibly badly sunburnt and decided to buy a swim shirt/rash vest instead. Then I had to find something to wear underneath to provide breast support. Dear god what a nightmare. Ended up with a sort of singlet with inbuilt supports.

    The other problem with being sunburnt is the need to wear a bra. So many people just said don’t wear one but I’m not going to cause myself further back pain by going without a bra.

    All so complicated. I just wanted to go swimming with my kids, have some fun and get some exercise.

  28. LOL!

  29. OMG, so funny, with that twist of desperation and frustration that so many of us can relate to.

  30. On behalf of the ladies who have of late had to move into the maternity section, I would like to know why so many people find breastfeeding offensive when anything on offer in terms of outerwear is designed to plunge and offer as much of the horizontal split that is your melons squished together as possible?

    Well written, Rhubarb.

  31. Been there, been there. Still I have positive thoughts on gravity, despite the nipple to the floor effect. I will not be dissuaded from positive thoughts on gravity, the alternative being too horrific in my view (and this is meant literally)!

  32. Brilliant! And so true (and aren’t all the skinnie-minnows SO envious!)
    I’m tempted to write the companion piece: Getting your spectacular boobs on that mammogram machine which was so clearly designed by a man or a stick insect …

  33. I’m the owner of two nipples that are so in love with my toes they can’t stop looking at them!

    I had a professional fitting. I am a size 16 top, F cup.

    I ended up with an F cup bra, size 12 (so it sits close to your body, don’t want breast tissue rubbing)…maybe so, but everything else rubbed, and the bones stick under my arms, and I feel like I am in an iron lung.

    Also, apparently my boobs are too close together, so I can’t get adequate separation. Close together, as in sitting on the same chest?

    Why the hell can’t they just get it right, or say they DON’T KNOW!

  34. Like everyone above, I so relate!! well written too, just had to comment today, I’m not sure that I have here before but I’ve been lurking a while!

  35. I remember being fitted for a maternity bra and the pretty little 18yo in the AA cup was totally perplexed because there wasn’t any separation…..my breasts TOUCHED each other!

    I had a breast reduction a couple of years ago and it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

  36. Bwahahaha. On behalf of big-boobed girls everywhere PLEASE do send it in.

  37. I hear you loud and clear – being big breasted my self!

    My mother used to say she went jiggling /joggling when she went for a jog – since it is from her that I have inherited my curves!

  38. Do I ever relate!

    The only reason I don’t get a reduction is because my fear of dying is stronger than my shoulder and back pain.

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